A slightly crazed unconventionalist

In the depths of my depression, I’m losing hope in ever being able to feel happy again. I’m not asking to be a bright, cheery, person who is generally happy and loves life. Right now, I’m concerned in being able to feel happy at all. I don’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.

By “truly” happy, I mean just feeling good, content with life, and airy. Not the superficial appearance of being happy when something amuses me and causes me to laugh. I’m not sure if people who have not experienced this can understand what I mean. I can be amused and even laugh without feeling happy. Amusement and happiness are separate things for me. Depression feels heavy. I feel its weight in my chest all the time, including when I seem happy like when I’m amused. The weight of this darkness holds me down, and it never leaves.

The people around me don’t seem to understand. Not the doctors, nurses, and counselors. Not even some other people who have (or have had) depression seem to understand this inability to feel happiness. Some depressed people have occasional moments of happiness when something good happens to them. This doesn’t happen for me. I don’t even get fleeting moments of happiness. It’s like I’m physically incapable of experiencing happiness, in this state I’ve been in.

Some days are less emotionally painful than other days. Sometimes I feel less depressed - but this isn’t to say I feel happier on those better days. My mood scale doesn’t go from feeling extremely depressed to extremely happy. It goes from feeling extremely depressed to feeling numb. When I’m not in emotional pain (like feeling depressed, angry, hurt, etc.), I feel nothing. I feel dead. I feel numb.

Feeling numb is far from feeling happy. When I say I feel less depressed today than the day before, it doesn’t mean I’m feeling any happier today. Most people seem to interpret the absence of feeling down as feeling happy. That’s not always the case. One might not feel down because s/he feels nothing. Numb. Void. Unfeeling. That means not even a hint of happiness.

While I think I prefer feeling numb than feeling emotional pain, I don’t want to settle for numbness. What kind of life would that be? A life in which you don’t even feel alive… I’m afraid the most I can do about the “feeling depressed” symptom of depression is to numb it.  

I’ve been stuck in a psych ward this past week (due to crisis and stuff which I’ll elaborate on in the future), void of cell phone and Internet usage. It has been weird. I’ve recently been moved up “levels” and can now leave the ward during the daytime. They’ve increased the dosage of my Effexor from 150mg to 225mg and now 300mg. I’m not sure if it’s helping. Maybe a little. My head feels a bit clearer (less brain fog it seems). Feeling a bit less suicidal, but not any more happier. 

Oh yeah, and I gained a few pounds. :( Blurgh. Oh well. I’ll work it off again. Sigh, it takes me a month to lose a few and only a week to gain them back.

I’m not a big fan of SH/SI photos, but I felt like I should document this. I’ve been in this weird state of derealization for at least a week now. My doctor says this is unusual since derealization is usually transient. I was having a relatively good week before this started. Wtf is wrong with me?

TW: SH/SI

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I don’t want to accidentally trigger people following me here, so I made a separate blog for weight loss / ED related posts. 

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